Update 14-11-20

 So since my last post we’ve had a growth spurt, lots more tears and screaming, lots of vomit and other wonderful baby related things.

I’ve still got people patronisingly telling me I’m doing so well, me and the baby have a lovely bond blah blah. And I just don’t feel it. I do what I have to do. This morning as I grumpily boiled the kettle my husband asked me what’s the matter.m, I replied “I’m too tired to mum today, I’d like a day off”. Ironic because I can’t have the day off. Support is minimal at best, my husband works a lot and I find it very hard.

I’m not enjoying it as I feel I should and sometimes resent being a mother because of the whole host of things it’s done to me. Only bonus is it freed me of my PoTs and endometriosis for an extended period of time. Huzzah.

Parenthood has to be the loneliest thing I’ve ever endured. That alongside mental illness. No one talks to you. No one asks how you are. And no one wants to visit after months of “can’t wait to meet baby!!” I mean it’s a smidge different as we’re in the middle of a pandemic so they have that excuse on their side. But honestly what’s wrong with a text message or a video call.

My husband is struggling postnatally too but we’re getting by. It’s just hard when both of you are finding it hard. Sometimes I want to lose my shit but then I remember we’re very much in the same boat.

Life with a baby is SO hard and at this point I honestly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I hear people romanticise it; saying baby is worth every stretch mark, sleepless nights, the saggy boobs and I honestly can’t relate. Because I don’t feel that way. But then I did have issues with body image, food and an eating disorder prior to pregnancy so I’m not stunned I feel this way. It’s just so hard to say aloud as I feel it would be deemed unacceptable to feel that way.

I saw the health visitor yesterday and for a change, she seemed to be in a rush to get out of the door spending a fraction of the time she normally would here. She’s recommended I go to the GP again for my mental health and is referring me to a support group for postnatal depression for mums (if it’s running – thanks again COVID). Which is great for me but what about my husband?

Anyway enough of my whining. I’m seizing the opportunity to have a bath as the baby sleeps and husband is at work. Thanks for reading if anyone is out there.